Njordrs Nook

In Heathenry we live by a code, WE ARE OUR DEEDS.

I live by this code no matter who I deal with. Be it other Heathens or Pagans or your non-magick folk. I also use this code by which to judge others. Usually it's an indicator of who I want in my life, be it friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc.

You see, words are meaningless when they are not backed by actions. For example: If you are an employer and you tell your employee that you value them, that you appreciate them, that you want them to work for you, but you only pay them the bare minimum you have to, which is a lot less than they deserve for the work they do....well, obviously your words are full of shit.

Not only will people like that get what's coming to them, often it will bite them with equal or greater value when someone like myself has been slighted. Cause let me tell you, especially for those of you in the back who like to take advantage of an individuals ignorance and them not knowing better, I'm not the type of person you want as an enemy. Not only do I protect and stand up for myself, I protect and stand up for those who are in my tribe. I will quote the Havamal since it says it best. "Be your friend's true friend. Return gift for gift. Repay laughter with laughter again. But betrayal with treachery."

You see, Heathens don't believe in letting slights go until the debt incurred has been settled. This establishes boundaries. But it also lets people know where you stand should those boundaries be trampled. If you've been disrespected, lied to, taken advantage of or any of the other ill qualities that stick to sleazy people, you have every right, to settle the score. Revenge is something we have no shame in admitting. And me personally, those who slight me don't know how vindictive I am. If they did, they never would have treated me wrong in the first place. I am easy prey for these kind of people because I am nice to everyone. That is almost always mistaken as weakness, to my predators peril of course.

So, my advice to those of you who often find yourselves on the receiving end of treacherous leeches, stand up for yourself and settle the score. Do not back down and get what you deserve or make your enemies pay for their deceit. Those who betray us are not worthy of forgiveness until a deed(s) has cleaned the slate.

I'm sure there are those who disagree with our ways, so I will leave you with this gem for thought... what lesson will your enemies have learned if you let them get away with treachery? You will still be hurt and they will do it to someone else. You want to know why? Because nobody has corrected their shitty behaviour, so why should they stop?

We all wear different masks. We own dozens, maybe even a hundred or more. When we wear so many masks on a daily basis, one has to ask themselves, who am I?

I know that my soul is tired from wearing masks. Masks I am forced to wear to protect myself. Masks I have to wear to keep the peace out of self-interest. As someone who takes great pride in being honest and forthright, this is probably the most exhausting and difficult thing I have to do each day.

Why not just be yourself, you say. Well, the thing is, in life there are too many power dynamics to be yourself. If I walked into work, and was my true self, I would be affected in a negative way because I have no control over my schedule or paycheques. This is also why I try so hard at making a stable business so that I can be my own boss. One less mask to wear makes a happy soul.

Not to mention, it's hard to find people who you can be completely authentic with. I can count on both hands the number of people I no longer wear masks around. That is not that many at all, when you look at how many people you know in life. And there will always be people that you have to wear a mask for. For whatever reason.

When you stray from being yourself, you get lost and tired. The only way to get back on your path is to embrace yourself. That is exactly what I am going to do. Slowly shed the masks that are the least important first, the ones that will not affect me at all. And then work my way to the most important ones, the ones that will affect many relationships I have with different people. It's time to shed the skin of my old life and start making a new and better one.

My tired soul needs a break.

Hello Folk,

It has been quite awhile since I have posted on here. In light of this week being Suicide prevention week, which is a topic very close to my heart as I've attempted suicide twice in my life and still think about it on a daily basis. I figure it is best to share my own struggles. And I hope that this post, helps educate people who do not suffer from depression, and helps make them understand exactly what it is, that people who suffer like me, go through every day. And I hope that people who do suffer, don't feel so alone or lazy or useless or whatever other negative self-talk one does when they're depressed.

Before I get into it, I wish to state clearly that DEPRESSION LIES. For those suffering, reach out to loved ones or crisis lines. Here is a link for Canadian citizens. Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention and for Americans Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Depression is not just about sadness. It is a lack of joy in things you once loved doing. It's an inability to see good things. It is also the lack of motivation to get everyday tasks accomplished. Many times, friends and family will never know their loved ones suffer because they seem so happy and high functioning. The image we project in public is that of survival. Humans are very instinctual that way. If you show your weakness, you may become prey. So when someone who suffers from depression, has an outstanding work ethic, a positive work attitude and shows up everyday, the assumption is that they have their shit together. I assure you, the image we project when we are alone is the polar opposite of what everyone sees.

For me, depression isn't even about sadness. Sure, I have my ups and downs emotionally (had two nervous breakdowns yesterday), but for the most part, I am in a good mind-frame due to my anti-depressants. Which I will probably be on for my entire life because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain as I have been fighting a losing battle with Depression since I was 9yrs old. To put that into perspective, I am 32yrs, I have spent more than two-thirds of my life fighting depression and have only been medicated for 2ish years. The biggest challenge for me are everyday tasks.

And this is where the judgement comes in from outsiders looking in. They see you go to work everyday so they don't understand why your dishes have been sitting unwashed on your counter for over a month. They don't understand why you spend so much money eating out because you are incapable of cooking a meal. They don't see how hard it is to just get out of bed and shower. They don't see why it's so difficult for you to go to the grocery store when it's 5min away. They don't understand how writing a text or email can be overwhelming. They don't understand until it's too late. Until they see the state of your home when the coroner comes to collect your body.

These tasks are insurmountable because they are not necessary for survival. What they are, are a burden and a cause of anxiety to an already tired mind and body because depression is an exhausting fucking battle. One that may very well claim my life one day. One that claims many lives each day. Last week I literally spent an entire day in bed, a good 16hrs sleeping. I woke up and was like, nope, can't do it. And every time I woke up I would just go back to sleep. Only getting up for bathroom breaks. I didn't eat or drink anything at all.

Time for more perspective. A typical day off for me, goes something like this. I wake up. See what time it is. Go back to bed for a few more hours. Regardless of what time it actually is. I wake up a 2nd time. This can go either way depending on how mentally tired I am, I either go back to bed or actually wake up. Let's say I wake up. I've slept for a solid 8-12hrs at this point. Lets say my tasks for the day are, grocery shopping, a trip to the bank (both of which are within a 5min walk of where I live), vacuum, laundry, and general tidiness to make my home not so messy. These are all reasonable tasks that I should be able to accomplish on my day off right? Wrong.

That is not how a depressed mind works. And depression doesn't take time off. When I look at tasks like this for a day, my mind goes to all the steps I have to take to get them done. If I want to go get groceries and a bank visit, I actually have to get out of bed. I have to get up, shower, get dressed, you know, clothes that are not pajamas, and interact with people. I have to brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on shoes, and a number of other things I've forgotten to write down. Not only that, I have to walk there, do my shopping, walk back with the groceries. Drop off my groceries in my home. Walk to the bank, deal with a person, walk home. Put my groceries away.

If I'm exhausted from battling my depression already, it is less stressful for me to not eat and watch movies all day and be on the internet or play games on my phone. Can you see how a task that seems so simple for someone with a healthy brain, is suddenly this fucking saga of events that need to be done for an end goal? A goal that probably can be procrastinated for awhile until it "needs" to be done. And even then, it's still a fight. My mind goes through this process everyday, for every task that needs to be accomplished. I have been doing this for 23yrs and I'm fucking tired. It's getting to the point where even going to work is becoming an insurmountable task.

And it is the feeling of not being able to accomplish these tasks that helps feed into the depression and keeps the cycle going. Especially when friends and family make comments like, "it only takes 5min to wash the dishes after you eat" or "you have pets you need to vacuum more" or "you don't look depressed, you're too happy" or any other horrible fucking comment that judges and shames a person for the inability to do something because it is completely out of their control.

One of the biggest shames I get from people I've known throughout my life is, but you don't even have kids. I don't know why life is such a competition and how it even got to the point where people shame their friends and family, but we all need to tread lightly on the words we say to those we care about. Cause when you say to someone who is depressed, your house is always so messy, why are you so lazy. That shames and creates a feeling of uselessness and may very well be the comment that sends that person over the edge to suicide. They are tired of their demons, they are tired of not being able to function normally, they are tired of being shamed by people who care about them and the feeling that the world would be better off without them is very strong. So think before you speak. We are all guilty of it, lets work towards being more mindful and less judgey. Mental health still has a very huge stigma in our society because people can't see it. It is an invisible pain.

If you know someone who suffers from depression and want to help them, offer to help them clean their home. Offer them a ride to the grocery store down the street. Ask them what their insurmountable tasks are and don't judge, offer to help cross something off their list. Tell them you love them. Remind them that the negative self-talk in their head is a lie. Depression lies. It is a fucking asshole.

Writing this post was an insurmountable task, one that I have been putting off for two weeks. Things that seem simple to healthy minds, are anxiety inducing nightmares for us. For those suffering, try and call out people when they make shameful comments. Try and educate your loved ones to your struggles. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, ask for help. Don't listen to those stupid fucking comments about nature being a cure for depression. If you're suicidal you probably need to be on meds to fix the chemical imbalance in your brain. Nature cannot fix this. Reach out to your doctor. If for whatever reason they won't help you, go find another one. There are amazing doctors out there.

Lastly, know that you will be missed. On your darkest days, on those days when you can't go on. When you are standing in the kitchen with a knife pressed against your forearm or when you're holding a bottle of wine and a bottle of pills, know that you are loved and will be missed. Even when you feel you are a burden and the world is better off without you. You are not a burden to those who truly care for you. They will do anything to keep you here. To help you keep fighting. Because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a light. Darkness cannot exist without light. And one day, you will be able to see it.

We have certain societal programmings that we need to break. One of those is "Don't get involved" or "Mind your business".

Here is my FB post from last night:

"My PSA for the evening. When you hear people fighting. Linger. Be fucking nosey. Make sure what you're hearing is just a fight and not domestic violence. I had to call 911 tonight for overhearing a heated argument and then the sound of the man hitting the woman and her crying. I pray to the Gods that the cops took him away because he would not keep his hands off her and would not leave the house. Had I minded my own business and kept walking, I would not have heard him hit her. Please, fight that societal programming that says "don't get involved". Get involved. Save a fucking life."

I cannot stress how important it is to LINGER. We live in a very violent world and a lot of it goes unnoticed and unreported because people do nothing. We need to change this. Our world is so desensitized to violence that the Police tell you to scream "Fire" instead of calling for help because a lot of times you will be ignored. Let that sink in for a minute. PEOPLE ARE SO USED TO HEARING SOMEONE CALL FOR HELP THAT THEY WILL IGNORE YOU. This is not okay. If you are unsure if what you're hearing is domestic violence or just a fight, call 911 anyways. Let the cops show up and handle the situation.

Being involved in violence is a traumatizing experience. The sound of a man hitting a woman is something I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing. It's all I've been able to think about and I certainly did not get any sleep last night. I'm exhausted. BUT, knowing that I stepped in and did something, that I stopped the violence, even for just that night...I will gladly bear the burden of that trauma. And I will do it over and over again should I happen upon those circumstances.

One thing I've been doing to try and ease my mind and cope, is research. Get the facts, get the stats.

FACT: Domestic violence calls are high priority. If you fear for your safety or a loved one, the police will be there in minutes. Why? Because they know the stats.

FACT: Domestic violence calls are some of the most dangerous calls a police officer will face in their career.

STATS:

• Intimate Partner violence was the number 1 cause of violence against women in 2016
• More than 93,000 incidents were reported in 2016 and 8 out of 10 victims were female
• 67% of female victims were abused by CURRENT dating partners or spouses
• Of the cases that resulted in homicide, 79% of the victims were female
• 80% of domestic violence cases involve physical force and/or a weapon
• 50% of reported cases involve some form of physical injury to the victim
• APPROX. EVERY 6 DAYS A WOMAN IS KILLED BY HER INTIMATE PARTNER

We need to do better. We need to be better. Save a fucking life. 

Citations:

http://www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca/en/news/2016/25/responding-domestic-and-intimate-partner-violence

https://www.solgps.alberta.ca/safe_communities/community_awareness/family_violence/Publications/DomesticViolencePoliceGuidelines.pdf

https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2018001/article/54893/03-eng.htm

https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2018001/article/54893/tbl/tbl3.4-eng.htm

https://www.canadianwomen.org/the-facts/gender-based-violence/

Earlier in the year, I created a motto to help me protect and process the shit energy that people project on me. "Not My Karma." This phrase was a way for me to detach myself personally from attacks of those around me. That motto has slowly evolved this year into: "If you don't like my mirror, change the reflection."

What that means is, when people project certain energy on you, for no reason at all, it just came out, it often has nothing to do with you at all. People project onto others what they don't like in themselves. It is a reflection of their self-talk and nothing to do with you. I have taken up this motto as way to no longer accept mistreatment and disrespect from anyone. I will show you your true self and you're not going to like it.

When I worked in the fast food industry I came across this a lot. People getting angry cause the food took too long, but in reality the meal was ready in 3min. They couldn't be bothered to wait. That energy is not your problem. It has nothing to do with how you can do the job, and you're no less qualified to serve them just because you didn't meet the customers standards of haste.

So what my motto means is this, no longer will I allow to let that energy flow over me and let it pass like water. Instead, I will stop that energy in its tracks by holding up a mirror. If you're going to speak to me that way, you can look at yourself when you do it, because that is the real problem. Making people face themselves is very hard and dramatic work. As people are prone to defensiveness when you illuminate their not-so-nice qualities that they keep hidden. Maybe they were unaware that they were even there.

This path is only for the courageous and the ones that can persevere. And you had better know yourself inside and out because it is a lonely and ostracizing road. You need the thickest of skins to travel it because you will get shit on everywhere you go and by people whom you cared about. But the most important part, if you find yourself on this path, a lot of Lokeans do, which is not one of choice, but duty, stay true to yourself. Respect yourself. Care for yourself. Think highly of yourself. That reflection is not yours to bear.

Ummmm. No. Lol.

It is a well known fact in Heathenry that worth is very important. You are judged by your deeds, and those deeds determine your worth in the eyes of your people.

It is a double edged sword.

Despite the best intentions of Heathens to have some sort of merit system to judge its people by, nobody, and I mean nobody, can tell you what you're worth except for you. And you don't have to prove a damn thing if they are too blind to see it. With rampant mental illnesses like depression, the question of ones' worth can be a horrible beast.

If you have self-worth, that is all you need. You do not need to seek the acceptance or praise from your community. You do you. The way you always have. If you happen to be appreciated by your community, awesome, that is a huge plus. If they happen to chop off your head and shit down your neck, there's really nothing you can do about it. The only control you have in a situation like that is how you react to being mistreated by your people when you feel it is undeserved.

And it will happen. Maybe once, maybe dozens of times. No matter how wonderful the people you find may be, we are all still hopelessly flawed human beings subjected to world views based on the biases we've established from our own life experience, despite our best intentions to be open minded.

Don't let that get you down. You have worth. If you tried your best and failed. Redirect your energy somewhere else, or look for a new angle in which to attain your goals. If others are incapable of seeing your worth and what you can do, that's their problem. And maybe they don't deserve you.

Remember, the manner in which you are being judged, you can also use that to your benefit to judge in return. There are two points on the sword, if you feel you're being stabbed with one end, push back.

For example. When you go to a job interview, a lot of people feel stressed because the interviewer is judging to see if you'll be a good fit for their company and maybe you really want the job. Do not forget, that you are also there to judge and see if your boss-to-be is the kind of person who deserves your best effort.

Double. Edged. Sword. Remember, judgement goes both ways. In the end, the question should not be, am I worthy? The answer is yes, you are. The real question you should be asking is, are they worthy enough to have me? Life gets a whole lot simpler when you are able to answer that question.

The structure of our society is ass backwards to put it politely. I would like to address the concept of celebrating and bragging about your successes. You see, the world we live in not only advises against this (due to Christian baggage of vanity) but it also shames people for doing so.