Hello Folk,
It has been quite awhile since I have posted on here. In light of this week being Suicide prevention week, which is a topic very close to my heart as I've attempted suicide twice in my life and still think about it on a daily basis. I figure it is best to share my own struggles. And I hope that this post, helps educate people who do not suffer from depression, and helps make them understand exactly what it is, that people who suffer like me, go through every day. And I hope that people who do suffer, don't feel so alone or lazy or useless or whatever other negative self-talk one does when they're depressed.
Before I get into it, I wish to state clearly that DEPRESSION LIES. For those suffering, reach out to loved ones or crisis lines. Here is a link for Canadian citizens. Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention and for Americans Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Depression is not just about sadness. It is a lack of joy in things you once loved doing. It's an inability to see good things. It is also the lack of motivation to get everyday tasks accomplished. Many times, friends and family will never know their loved ones suffer because they seem so happy and high functioning. The image we project in public is that of survival. Humans are very instinctual that way. If you show your weakness, you may become prey. So when someone who suffers from depression, has an outstanding work ethic, a positive work attitude and shows up everyday, the assumption is that they have their shit together. I assure you, the image we project when we are alone is the polar opposite of what everyone sees.
For me, depression isn't even about sadness. Sure, I have my ups and downs emotionally (had two nervous breakdowns yesterday), but for the most part, I am in a good mind-frame due to my anti-depressants. Which I will probably be on for my entire life because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain as I have been fighting a losing battle with Depression since I was 9yrs old. To put that into perspective, I am 32yrs, I have spent more than two-thirds of my life fighting depression and have only been medicated for 2ish years. The biggest challenge for me are everyday tasks.
And this is where the judgement comes in from outsiders looking in. They see you go to work everyday so they don't understand why your dishes have been sitting unwashed on your counter for over a month. They don't understand why you spend so much money eating out because you are incapable of cooking a meal. They don't see how hard it is to just get out of bed and shower. They don't see why it's so difficult for you to go to the grocery store when it's 5min away. They don't understand how writing a text or email can be overwhelming. They don't understand until it's too late. Until they see the state of your home when the coroner comes to collect your body.
These tasks are insurmountable because they are not necessary for survival. What they are, are a burden and a cause of anxiety to an already tired mind and body because depression is an exhausting fucking battle. One that may very well claim my life one day. One that claims many lives each day. Last week I literally spent an entire day in bed, a good 16hrs sleeping. I woke up and was like, nope, can't do it. And every time I woke up I would just go back to sleep. Only getting up for bathroom breaks. I didn't eat or drink anything at all.
Time for more perspective. A typical day off for me, goes something like this. I wake up. See what time it is. Go back to bed for a few more hours. Regardless of what time it actually is. I wake up a 2nd time. This can go either way depending on how mentally tired I am, I either go back to bed or actually wake up. Let's say I wake up. I've slept for a solid 8-12hrs at this point. Lets say my tasks for the day are, grocery shopping, a trip to the bank (both of which are within a 5min walk of where I live), vacuum, laundry, and general tidiness to make my home not so messy. These are all reasonable tasks that I should be able to accomplish on my day off right? Wrong.
That is not how a depressed mind works. And depression doesn't take time off. When I look at tasks like this for a day, my mind goes to all the steps I have to take to get them done. If I want to go get groceries and a bank visit, I actually have to get out of bed. I have to get up, shower, get dressed, you know, clothes that are not pajamas, and interact with people. I have to brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on shoes, and a number of other things I've forgotten to write down. Not only that, I have to walk there, do my shopping, walk back with the groceries. Drop off my groceries in my home. Walk to the bank, deal with a person, walk home. Put my groceries away.
If I'm exhausted from battling my depression already, it is less stressful for me to not eat and watch movies all day and be on the internet or play games on my phone. Can you see how a task that seems so simple for someone with a healthy brain, is suddenly this fucking saga of events that need to be done for an end goal? A goal that probably can be procrastinated for awhile until it "needs" to be done. And even then, it's still a fight. My mind goes through this process everyday, for every task that needs to be accomplished. I have been doing this for 23yrs and I'm fucking tired. It's getting to the point where even going to work is becoming an insurmountable task.
And it is the feeling of not being able to accomplish these tasks that helps feed into the depression and keeps the cycle going. Especially when friends and family make comments like, "it only takes 5min to wash the dishes after you eat" or "you have pets you need to vacuum more" or "you don't look depressed, you're too happy" or any other horrible fucking comment that judges and shames a person for the inability to do something because it is completely out of their control.
One of the biggest shames I get from people I've known throughout my life is, but you don't even have kids. I don't know why life is such a competition and how it even got to the point where people shame their friends and family, but we all need to tread lightly on the words we say to those we care about. Cause when you say to someone who is depressed, your house is always so messy, why are you so lazy. That shames and creates a feeling of uselessness and may very well be the comment that sends that person over the edge to suicide. They are tired of their demons, they are tired of not being able to function normally, they are tired of being shamed by people who care about them and the feeling that the world would be better off without them is very strong. So think before you speak. We are all guilty of it, lets work towards being more mindful and less judgey. Mental health still has a very huge stigma in our society because people can't see it. It is an invisible pain.
If you know someone who suffers from depression and want to help them, offer to help them clean their home. Offer them a ride to the grocery store down the street. Ask them what their insurmountable tasks are and don't judge, offer to help cross something off their list. Tell them you love them. Remind them that the negative self-talk in their head is a lie. Depression lies. It is a fucking asshole.
Writing this post was an insurmountable task, one that I have been putting off for two weeks. Things that seem simple to healthy minds, are anxiety inducing nightmares for us. For those suffering, try and call out people when they make shameful comments. Try and educate your loved ones to your struggles. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, ask for help. Don't listen to those stupid fucking comments about nature being a cure for depression. If you're suicidal you probably need to be on meds to fix the chemical imbalance in your brain. Nature cannot fix this. Reach out to your doctor. If for whatever reason they won't help you, go find another one. There are amazing doctors out there.
Lastly, know that you will be missed. On your darkest days, on those days when you can't go on. When you are standing in the kitchen with a knife pressed against your forearm or when you're holding a bottle of wine and a bottle of pills, know that you are loved and will be missed. Even when you feel you are a burden and the world is better off without you. You are not a burden to those who truly care for you. They will do anything to keep you here. To help you keep fighting. Because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a light. Darkness cannot exist without light. And one day, you will be able to see it.
It has been quite awhile since I have posted on here. In light of this week being Suicide prevention week, which is a topic very close to my heart as I've attempted suicide twice in my life and still think about it on a daily basis. I figure it is best to share my own struggles. And I hope that this post, helps educate people who do not suffer from depression, and helps make them understand exactly what it is, that people who suffer like me, go through every day. And I hope that people who do suffer, don't feel so alone or lazy or useless or whatever other negative self-talk one does when they're depressed.
Before I get into it, I wish to state clearly that DEPRESSION LIES. For those suffering, reach out to loved ones or crisis lines. Here is a link for Canadian citizens. Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention and for Americans Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Depression is not just about sadness. It is a lack of joy in things you once loved doing. It's an inability to see good things. It is also the lack of motivation to get everyday tasks accomplished. Many times, friends and family will never know their loved ones suffer because they seem so happy and high functioning. The image we project in public is that of survival. Humans are very instinctual that way. If you show your weakness, you may become prey. So when someone who suffers from depression, has an outstanding work ethic, a positive work attitude and shows up everyday, the assumption is that they have their shit together. I assure you, the image we project when we are alone is the polar opposite of what everyone sees.
For me, depression isn't even about sadness. Sure, I have my ups and downs emotionally (had two nervous breakdowns yesterday), but for the most part, I am in a good mind-frame due to my anti-depressants. Which I will probably be on for my entire life because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain as I have been fighting a losing battle with Depression since I was 9yrs old. To put that into perspective, I am 32yrs, I have spent more than two-thirds of my life fighting depression and have only been medicated for 2ish years. The biggest challenge for me are everyday tasks.
And this is where the judgement comes in from outsiders looking in. They see you go to work everyday so they don't understand why your dishes have been sitting unwashed on your counter for over a month. They don't understand why you spend so much money eating out because you are incapable of cooking a meal. They don't see how hard it is to just get out of bed and shower. They don't see why it's so difficult for you to go to the grocery store when it's 5min away. They don't understand how writing a text or email can be overwhelming. They don't understand until it's too late. Until they see the state of your home when the coroner comes to collect your body.
These tasks are insurmountable because they are not necessary for survival. What they are, are a burden and a cause of anxiety to an already tired mind and body because depression is an exhausting fucking battle. One that may very well claim my life one day. One that claims many lives each day. Last week I literally spent an entire day in bed, a good 16hrs sleeping. I woke up and was like, nope, can't do it. And every time I woke up I would just go back to sleep. Only getting up for bathroom breaks. I didn't eat or drink anything at all.
Time for more perspective. A typical day off for me, goes something like this. I wake up. See what time it is. Go back to bed for a few more hours. Regardless of what time it actually is. I wake up a 2nd time. This can go either way depending on how mentally tired I am, I either go back to bed or actually wake up. Let's say I wake up. I've slept for a solid 8-12hrs at this point. Lets say my tasks for the day are, grocery shopping, a trip to the bank (both of which are within a 5min walk of where I live), vacuum, laundry, and general tidiness to make my home not so messy. These are all reasonable tasks that I should be able to accomplish on my day off right? Wrong.
That is not how a depressed mind works. And depression doesn't take time off. When I look at tasks like this for a day, my mind goes to all the steps I have to take to get them done. If I want to go get groceries and a bank visit, I actually have to get out of bed. I have to get up, shower, get dressed, you know, clothes that are not pajamas, and interact with people. I have to brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on shoes, and a number of other things I've forgotten to write down. Not only that, I have to walk there, do my shopping, walk back with the groceries. Drop off my groceries in my home. Walk to the bank, deal with a person, walk home. Put my groceries away.
If I'm exhausted from battling my depression already, it is less stressful for me to not eat and watch movies all day and be on the internet or play games on my phone. Can you see how a task that seems so simple for someone with a healthy brain, is suddenly this fucking saga of events that need to be done for an end goal? A goal that probably can be procrastinated for awhile until it "needs" to be done. And even then, it's still a fight. My mind goes through this process everyday, for every task that needs to be accomplished. I have been doing this for 23yrs and I'm fucking tired. It's getting to the point where even going to work is becoming an insurmountable task.
And it is the feeling of not being able to accomplish these tasks that helps feed into the depression and keeps the cycle going. Especially when friends and family make comments like, "it only takes 5min to wash the dishes after you eat" or "you have pets you need to vacuum more" or "you don't look depressed, you're too happy" or any other horrible fucking comment that judges and shames a person for the inability to do something because it is completely out of their control.
One of the biggest shames I get from people I've known throughout my life is, but you don't even have kids. I don't know why life is such a competition and how it even got to the point where people shame their friends and family, but we all need to tread lightly on the words we say to those we care about. Cause when you say to someone who is depressed, your house is always so messy, why are you so lazy. That shames and creates a feeling of uselessness and may very well be the comment that sends that person over the edge to suicide. They are tired of their demons, they are tired of not being able to function normally, they are tired of being shamed by people who care about them and the feeling that the world would be better off without them is very strong. So think before you speak. We are all guilty of it, lets work towards being more mindful and less judgey. Mental health still has a very huge stigma in our society because people can't see it. It is an invisible pain.
If you know someone who suffers from depression and want to help them, offer to help them clean their home. Offer them a ride to the grocery store down the street. Ask them what their insurmountable tasks are and don't judge, offer to help cross something off their list. Tell them you love them. Remind them that the negative self-talk in their head is a lie. Depression lies. It is a fucking asshole.
Writing this post was an insurmountable task, one that I have been putting off for two weeks. Things that seem simple to healthy minds, are anxiety inducing nightmares for us. For those suffering, try and call out people when they make shameful comments. Try and educate your loved ones to your struggles. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, ask for help. Don't listen to those stupid fucking comments about nature being a cure for depression. If you're suicidal you probably need to be on meds to fix the chemical imbalance in your brain. Nature cannot fix this. Reach out to your doctor. If for whatever reason they won't help you, go find another one. There are amazing doctors out there.
Lastly, know that you will be missed. On your darkest days, on those days when you can't go on. When you are standing in the kitchen with a knife pressed against your forearm or when you're holding a bottle of wine and a bottle of pills, know that you are loved and will be missed. Even when you feel you are a burden and the world is better off without you. You are not a burden to those who truly care for you. They will do anything to keep you here. To help you keep fighting. Because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a light. Darkness cannot exist without light. And one day, you will be able to see it.
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